This might be emo...

So last night, when I was doing my usual routine of tossing and turning in bed, trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, I randomly realized that my dad has been dead for 18 years now. And rather than dwelling on the senselessness and suckiness of this loss, as I'm inclined to do, I instead made the connection that the number of years he's been gone exceed the number of years he was in my life. And it was really strange to look at it that way, because I remember a time when I could not imagine my existence without him. But that period of his absence now takes up a greater proportion of my life, and will only continue to get larger as the years go by. Doesn't make the minimal time we had less significant, I guess, but still, it's a little sad to acknowledge that he's missed out on the majority of the things I've experienced or accomplished, most of it way more important than anything I did prior to fifth grade.

And on top of that, it occurred to me that I'm only two years away from reaching the age he was when he died. So in addition to outliving my life with him, I'm also going to get older than he ever had the chance to be, unless there's some weird twist of fate that I'm not anticipating. Best not to dwell on any of this, because then I'm gonna start imagining what he'd be like if he was still around, and asking myself all kinds of stupid questions: Would I still view him with the same level of reverence? Would he and Mom still be together? Would I be the same person on the same path that I'm on now?

I blame the TV show Heroes for all this nonsense, for exploring the ramifications of using time travel to change the world. And My Chemical Romance - for releasing Welcome to the Black Parade, which somehow manages to meld catchy hooks with morbid subject matter. Definitely not a song suitable for repeat listening if you're trying to avoid melancholy thoughts.

Uh oh!

Sweet merciful crap! I just noticed that I wasn't on here when I needed to wish mdatl a happy birthday! No disrespect meant, and I hope you got to have some good celebrating!