My head is strange

Wanna hear about the strange dream I had last night?

I was one of President Obama's daughters and I inadvertently caused a media firestorm by saying the phrase, "blow jobs" during an interview. I was worried he wouldn't love me anymore, but when I explained myself he put his arm around me and gave me the most loving, reassuring hug ever.


I think this was probably caused by last night's dinner conversation about the Rush Limbaugh debacle, but I still can't help but shake my head and wonder what makes my brain create the things that it does.

Thinking out loud

Yesterday, I went to the Associate Writing Programs (AWP) Bookfair at the Chicago Hilton, since they opened it up to the general public and I figured I could get some free, or at least inexpensive loot.

One of the things I brought home was a copy of the latest issue of Poets and Writers. I started flipping through, and in the classified section I saw an ad for a literary arts center in south central Texas seeking an Executive Director.

I visited their website when I got home to read more, and discovered that it was the type of position that sounds like a dream come true. Or more accurately, a dream come true for the person with appropriate qualifications.

My current line of work could definitely lead me on the path to being eligible for this type of position after I've gained more years of experience. Especially when combined with my non-paid work organizing literary events/programming.

But a few lingering questions remain: Me as an executive? Really?

I dunno, I guess it's just hard to envision myself as a polished, meeting-attending, suit-wearing woman. Because of my humble working-class beginnings. Because of the self-doubt and insecurity and imposter's syndrome that I've never fully escaped.

And because my dream of all dreams is still to finish the novel and get it published. Which in my mind seems too impossible to juggle alongside a demanding, time-consuming career.

And that leaves me asking myself....which do I want more?

Do I maintain a somewhat decent quality of life and hold myself back professionally for the sake of my art?

Or do I throw myself more fully into professional development and advance my station, even if only a little, since being at the top of the non-profit world, in most cases, still means a pretty modest income?

I think I could be happy not fulfilling my creative potential if I were in charge of something that advanced creativity and the arts in general. Like the above-mentioned literary center. Or maybe a writer/artists colony. At my core, I am a connector, a community-builder, so why in the hell not make that my livelihood as well?

Or why take such a reductionist stance? Why can't I be in a business-type role and also an artist in my own right? I've seen people do it. I know it happens. But what I don't know is if I am capable of doing both while maintaining the standard of excellence that I expect of myself.

Shit man, I dunno. This is all lofty and long-term, and yet another instance of me being impatient to feel settled, to have everything figured out, to live happily ever after.

I guess what I have to do is force myself to slow down and look at the smaller things I have more control over. Ask myself what steps I need to take to get closer to the ideal.

For now that means working on a new scene this afternoon. And researching degree and certificate programs in non-profit management, figuring out if that's a more viable education option than the whole cultural studies Phd I've been fantasizing about these last couple months.

I'll figure shit out. Eventually. I always do.