Heartbroken

[seabird78]

Well, it's decided. After a little over a year of sweat and physical development, I'm visiting my dojo tonight to let them know I need to discontinue my membership. It's something that is unavoidable, I know, but I can't help but feel really depressed about it. I know I'm not the strongest or the fastest (and never will be), and I know that I can no longer justify getting there for class twice a week when it takes 30-45 minutes to get there from work, another hour in class itself, and then a 30-minute drive home that will likely double due to impending construction on the Ryan. But the thought of not being there, encouraged by the helpful sensei and the supportive people I work out with (well, most of them) makes this feel like some sort of break-up.

Martial arts is the most rewarding athletic undertaking I have ever experienced, but the bottom line is it sucks up time that I need to start using to work on my thesis. I wish this was not the case, but I need to face up to the fact that I've been taking on extra activities so I can justify not writing. And I can't do it anywmore. Maybe I can find a place to keep pursuing this that's closer to home, or maybe I can resume my training once I make progress on my manuscript. But for now I just don't have the motivation to keep everything up, and it's been two weeks since I've gone to class anyway, so this is already a foregone conclusion. At least I made it to an orange belt. To be honest, that's a helluva lot farther than I ever expected to get when I checked the place out to begin with. I guess I should feel proud of what I did accomplish, and accept that sometimes you have to let go of things you really love.

Comments

[plumerai.livejournal.com]

Oh, that does hurt--choosing between lovers. It sounds like you've surpassed your goals--or even that there weren't goals per se, but that you surpassed yourself, period! Also, it's not going anywhere. At some point you may come back to it, and your skills will still be a part of you even if you're rusty.

[seabird78.livejournal.com]

You're right. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

[plumerai.livejournal.com]

I would be too, if I were you! See, the upside of being a dilettante is that by the time life gets in the way, you've moved on anyway. (Of course, the downside is that I will never be the equivalent of an orange belt in anything...)

[claudine3000.livejournal.com]

It's cool that you have some martial arts training, and you can practice for fun in your own time. I've been taking ballet classes, and I know that it's temporary, but I like having some new moves and knowledge of it.