Confession

[seabird78]

I'm having second thoughts about going to my 10-year high school reunion this Saturday. I've already paid for my ticket, so I'll go no matter what, but suddenly the prospect of being surrounded a bunch of people who couldn't have cared less about my existence when I was 17 (save for a small handful) and who will probably not remember me now is not that appealing.

Maybe I should just accept my inevitable role as a wallflower, and realize that it's unrealistic to expect people to notice me when I give them no real reason to do so.

Comments

[fuzzilla.livejournal.com]

Oh, come now! You don't have to accept any role you don't want to.

As for high school reunions, the thought of actually going to mine never even crossed my mind. I always say I'd rather be a party with complete strangers than around people I kinda-sorta know, 'cuz with the latter there's all that "well, why don't they remember me? Why haven't I made an impression on them/we haven't become friends yet?" anxiety. Well, it depends which people I kinda-sorta know, I guess...

[seabird78.livejournal.com]

You're right, and thanks for calling me on my own bullshit, and not letting me feel sorry for myself. I guess my biggest problem is I don't know how to break out of that role, and my need to have people pay attention to me or express interest in who I am runs in conflict with the anxiety/discomfort I experience when subjected to scrutiny.

And yeah, I can agree that being around strangers at a party is easier than hanging out with people you only know a little, because at least then if no one makes an effort to interact with you it's understandable, and all those questions you mentioned never come up. But I decided to subject myself to this anyway, mostly out of irresistible curiousity, and because my wallflower status might allow me to approach this as an observer of sociology.

wallflower??? what wallflower??? i don't see one!!!

[tesao.livejournal.com]

seabird, minha querida, you are only a wallflower if you choose to be one!

it never occurred to me to go to ANY of my reunions. why? i don't remember them, or even care to. if they were people i cared to remember, they are still in my life.

obviously there are people who HAVE noticed you!! look around and find THEM, forget that you bought that silly ticket, and have your OWN party with those who mean something to you, and vice versa!!!

big HUGS and little kisses!!!

Re: wallflower??? what wallflower??? i don't see one!!!

[seabird78.livejournal.com]

You're right, Tes. Can I package you up and keep you in my pocket so I can consult you for sagelike advice at a moment's notice? I need it a lot. :)

Re: wallflower??? what wallflower??? i don't see one!!!

[ladysankofa.livejournal.com]

Ditto to what Tes said.

Have your own party.

Life's too short to deal with the bullshit left over from high school. I went to one of mine, can't remember which one, and the thing is, the ones who were assholes then are STILL assholes.

It's not worth it.

I didn't go to your high school, but I'd sure go to your party~ :)

Re: wallflower??? what wallflower??? i don't see one!!!

[seabird78.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm just too damn masochistic for my own good, huh? ;)

We can party when I'm in Eureka if you have time to make it up there! I know there are a few Caribe margaritas with our names on them!

[claudine3000.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't attend my reunion. I went to a magnet school half-day so I wouldn't go crazy in my own high school, and I still wasn't close with anyone. It'd be fun to show up as a hot babe, like "Look me at now!" but I don't really care about any of my former classmates to show off.

[seabird78.livejournal.com]

Really, I'm just going because of its train-wreck appeal. And maybe to be a hot babe.... :)

[claudine3000.livejournal.com]

It makes me feel better to imagine my college crush as a schlubby-looking dude in the future with thinning hair and a belly and not looking sexy or cool. It's petty, but it makes me see kids growing up into their "uncool" parents.

[mdatl.livejournal.com]

My 20-year was two weekends ago, and I didn't go. This summer, I was on and off the fence about going, and I even emailed the organizer for a list of the events. Finally, I decided not to go for the same reasons listed here--plus I didn't figure I could afford to be away in the first place (grading and such), and I didn't feel like spending money for what to me looked like underwhelming events.

A good friend went and kept me informed. Apparently I was asked about, but mostly by people who I've had frequent or infrequent touch with over the years.

I missed my 10-year, and I missed my 20-year. Maybe I'll make the 30-year...

[seabird78.livejournal.com]

Underwhelming is the operative word. For 55 bucks all I can look forward to is drinks and appetizers.

[snarkout-rat.livejournal.com]

I went to my 10-year after being strongarmed into it by a friend, and I had all the same fears that you mentioned, but it turned out a lot better than I anticipated. People were much more interested in finding out about my life than I ever imagined they would be, since I too was a wallflower in high school. And at one point it occurred to me, while I was standing with a few of my old classmates talking, that this was just like being at a cocktail party with nice people, not like high school all over again, and the strides I'd made socially in the 10 years since then really made a difference.

Despite all that, my 15th was last weekend, and I didn't go. I just didn't feel enthusiastic enough about seeing those people again to want to spend time with them.

After the 10th, my friend (the one who dragged me to it) and I talked on the phone about how weird it had been to go to the reunion and then go back to our current lives, the plans we have with current people. We also laughed about how our conversation, our dissection of everyone, was exactly the same conversation as the one we had the day after senior prom.

[seabird78.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping it'll be better than I anticipate. As it turns out a girl who I really did like in high school, and who I have seen since, will be going, and she and I have been in touch about sticking together at this thing.

I've decided to simply keep my expectations low, and remember that I can always leave whenever I've had enough. At this point, I'm so damn curious about what happens at these things that I think I'll be regretful if I don't at least investigate. And I've talked to my editor at NewCity, and he agreed to consider publishing an essay about the experience (in the same vein as my pole dancer piece) should it be interesting enough to write about at length. So if nothing else, I may be able to make enough cash to cover the cost of my ticket....